June 20, 2022 Tribeca

I got off the train at Franklin Street and I felt it.

It felt right. I missed this.

I missed the smell, the energy, the feeling of being here, in the city, with the city, in Tribeca, in the life, in the buzz.

It’s 9am and I’ve already listened to a podcast, I’m sitting here in Gotan with a coffee journaling. It’s a splendid blessing. A little gift from the world. Almost in a way, a healing. The best retreat away from the other stuff happening in my life. I feel like I’m in a sacred place, a strong safe ‘known’. And although I wasn’t the happiest while I was living in Tribeca, I did love it here. I loved the beauty of it and the energy it gave me. Not just Tribeca, but NYC itself. I wonder if it’s just a feeling of reminiscence, a taste of bittersweet that is there, that should be there, a poke from the universe to stay grateful and remember NY… or if its to give myself peace, a calm during this weird work period. Or if it’s to tell me to come back…

The thing is, if I come back, I have nothing here for me other than my family. I don’t have my friends, my community, my work, and most importantly, my identity. I can’t be me — the deeper me, the one that exists at the core, on a spiritual level, on a raw level. On the surface, the gears it’s in NY. That’s the machine parts and the gasoline to get it going. But the brain, the heart, the soul, it exists in Berlin. Maybe it’s a way to know I need to integrate both lives better into each other.

“When you’re tired of this time, let me know we can go somewhere brand new. Cause when I lay my head to rest I hope that it’s aways next to you. When you run, when you’re gone. Oh, I’ll be waiting for you, dear” These are the words that I feel NY is whispering to me. a hug, a warmth, not that we need to be together, but that it’s there to give me the comfort I need and desire when I need solace. I want to cry, I want to give the city a hug. I want to give myself, the NYC Jo a hug. I feel like I’ve been so disconnected, so lost, so away, so missing. That beat, the beating.

There are two people that live inside of me that are at battle and also at sync. Which needs the other more?